The Temptation to Diminish

There is a great temptation I feel—to not admit to my happiness, to self-deprecate, to not shout praise in how much I love our little (short-term) home, to not freely admit how good it feels to be here, to hold back my smile a little, to pretend I’m not bursting with joy.

I don’t want to do that anymore though.

So I’m going to lay it out in all of its complete truthfulness – I will miss home, Charleston, forever. I will never not want to cry when I think about the sadness I caused my mom. I will always wish I could make it not hurt for her. I will have massive moments of home sickness. I will even miss my job and “normal” life schedule at times. I will miss many things and my love for the things, places, and people I left is no less because of my decision to leave in following God’s call.

But.

I am full of joy. I am not just fine. I am GOOD. I am GREAT. I will have so many hard days in front of me and probably many hours and days that I’ll wish I could just crawl back home and take it all back. Or at least that thought may come to mind once or twice. Haha. But right now, I’m happy. I have a happiness and contentment I’m not sure I’ve ever felt.

There’s a very strong part of me that has felt awful to say that out loud. I’m so scared that it will hurt someone’s feelings as if my joy means I miss them any less. It doesn’t.

When you ask, I’m going to say it. When I write blog posts about what’s going on here, I’m not going to hold back. When I look in the mirror, I’m not going to think less of myself anymore.

I am happy.

I have for so long felt a discontent about many things in my life and have never been able to find an answer to fix the discontent or been able to be content despite many prayers and laments to God to help me just be and be happy.

When we went to General Cepeda, Mexico last year Kent and I were walking down the sidewalk one day and I just looked at him and said, “I’m so happy here. A happiness I’ve never known!” And he felt the same way. But I went home and I let fear and GUILT for that feeling take ahold of me and almost choke the life right out of me and our marriage.

Thank you, Lover of My Soul, for not giving up on me. For continuing to call me and push me and love me until I had the courage to say YES.

We went to Haiti this past July in part to see the Davis family, in part to have a new experience in a harder mission post to test us, and in part to test out whether the happiness we felt was that particular mission trip in Mexico (2 hour siestas everyday can definitely make anyone happy for a little while) or if just maybe the happiness we found was in being at the center of His will for us, even if that wasn’t how we had planned our lives and where we had hoped our happiness be.

My happiness is in Him. My happiness is in the freedom that comes with being directly in the center of His will. My happiness is in His presence, in His love, and in saying YES to His call. No matter the price, no matter the hardship, no matter the unnecessary self-imposed guilt, no matter the sacrifice that comes in leaving my friends, my parents, my job, and my home- these all add up to nothing compared to His sacrifice and love for me.

I’m walking away from my guilt. In fact, I think I’ve probably done a great disservice by expressing any guilt. How can anyone back home find peace and be happy for me if I’m too scared to even admit my happiness? It helps no one for me to walk shrunken like I’m not worthy to be happy.

So here I am. You know the funny thing about extreme happiness is that it can bring you to tears as easily as sadness. I have had many happy tears. Not because I left home or because I don’t have to work a “job” right now or because I love anyone less, but simply because I followed His will.

I hope you will pray with me that this happiness may stay with me and with Kent and with Jeremiah. That in the hard times we always remember where our happiness lies. That the joy of following Him will burst out of us as we go to proclaim Him wherever He leads us.